So, my first day blogging also marks my first contribution to a blog contest. Creepy Query Girl has a Query Spoof Contest that ends tonight at midnight. My good friend Raquel Byrnes wrote her fake query using the basic plot of Twilight. I wrote mine about Pride and Prejudice. I ended up having more fun playing with the character of the author (for the record, I was NOT mocking Jane Austen. Sacrilege!) than I did the actual summary of the story.
I can't help but laugh at the irony. For this contest, I wrote a bad query on purpose -- whereas all of my real queries to date have been bad on accident.
To Whom It May Concern:
I am excited about your opportunity to work with me. My novel, I’m Not Good Enough For You…Or, Perhaps You Are Not Good Enough For Me is character driven. You will find, as you read my enclosed manuscript, I have a gift with words – words that you cannot help but read aloud so you can feel them, thick and sweet, on your tongue and hear them whispered on the wind, drifting into the ether to blend with all that is beautiful in the world. I am confident that you will be as moved as you read as I was as I wrote. This is my gift to you. Treasure it. You are welcome.
Although my text is rich and abundant and full of witticisms and persiflage between my archetypal characters, I will strive, for your benefit, to make my summary as mundane as possible.
Lisa, at the age of twenty, has begun her decline into spinsterhood. She is the second eldest daughter of five, all of whom have little chance of succeeding in life. This is due to poor retirement planning on the part of their father and gauche behavior on the part of their mother. Of all the daughters, the eldest, Joan, has the most chance for success because she is not only beautiful, but she is docile and submissive – traits to be admired in a woman. Lisa and Joan are great friends and both wish to find a handsome, rich man and fall in love.
Luckily a handsome, rich man, Barney, moves into, the neighborhood. His best friend, Darryl, is even more handsome and rich. Joan and Barney begin dating, but both of them are too shy to express their feelings. Lisa had some hopes of attracting Darryl’s attention, but after overhearing him criticize her, goes into a snit and swears she will have nothing to do with him.
What she does not know is that Darryl, much to the chagrin of his pompous groupies, has had a change of heart about Lisa. Lisa finds herself having to spend time with Darryl and, although she cannot stand him, she cannot seem to leave him alone, and they have many verbal sparring matches, full of thrust and parry that hints of the tension caused by the sex they are not having.
Meanwhile, Joan and Barney’s relationship appears to be thriving. Darryl is not convinced that Joan is honest in her feelings, and convinces Barney to leave. Joan is sad, but is too pleasant to be heartbroken.
Amidst some filler subplots about Lisa’s other sisters, Lisa finds herself, once again, forced to be in Darryl’s company. He professes his love in a rather rude way and admits that he talked Barney into leaving Joan. Lisa is horrified and tells him she could never love him. Or could she?
In order to forget her woe, she takes a vacation with her Aunt and Uncle. As they tour the countryside in rustic splendor, Lisa finds out just how rich Darryl is. She begins to doubt her initial reaction and resumes an awkward relationship of sorts with him.
Luckily for Lisa and her entire family, Darryl, realizes that he had been a jerk and fixes everything for everyone. Lisa finds out about his good deeds and agrees to marry him. Everyone lives happily ever after.
The above summary is as small of a nutshell as I can make my masterpiece without being forced to commit seppuku. I feel like I have butchered my life’s work in trying to outline the meat of the plot, when, in fact and in actuality, the plot has only ever been the mere and inconsequential medium for me to express my art. This summary cannot show the beauty of the written word – in order to experience it fully, you must read my manuscript. While originally over 500,000 words in length, I understand that the average reader without the necessary education might be overwhelmed. I have condensed as much as my conscience will allow, to be a brief 122,000 words in length. But please understand, each word is integral to the art that is, I’m Not Good Enough For You…Or, Perhaps You Are Not Good Enough For Me.
I am sure you will enjoy my work. I look forward to talking about myself with you.