Warning -- some might find this blasphemous or, at the very least, irreverent. Read on at your peril.
There was a woman in the land of Yuppies whose name was Erin;
and that woman was imperfect but curvaceous, and one that feared socialized
healthcare and eschewed Jehovah Witnesses during dinner time. Her substance was
solid, yet jiggly in spots, and she had a mediocre, middle class household; so
that this woman was fair to middling in her general social strata.
Now there was a day when the powers that be
had a pow-wow. They considered the woman, Erin. They knew there were none like
her in the earth. They decided to screw with her most mightily.
And there was a day when her husband was returning from
bowling. A phone call came unto Erin and said, “Shit, I was just in an accident,” and
the Uninsured Teenager’s father’s car fell upon Brian’s Camry and there was
damage. Before that was yet resolved, the editor with the publisher interested
in Erin’s book, Courtly Scandals, for whom Erin had made revisions and waited with great expectation, left the employ
of the publisher. Then the new editor came unto Erin via e-mail and rejected the manuscript. And while Erin was still disappointed, she fell down the stairs. The great fall
smote her foot and she was unable to walk upon it for 8 weeks. And while that
foot was still healing, a great Jeep failed to stop in time on the 163 South
and crashed mightily into the rear of Erin’s favorite
van, causing both the bumper and lift gate to be replaced, and later, the stereo. And while the replacement
was underway and Erin’s smote foot was healing, Erin’s boss came unto her, to inform her that the Mosaic program Erin had been instrumental in developing and been teaching in for the past
four years was being dissolved. But lo, the boss promised a comparable job for
next year, but could not say what it would be. Then Erin arose, albeit on wobbly feet, and did not tear her clothes or shave her
head or exclaim anything meaningful.
Again there was a day when Erin returned to teaching and there was much grading to be done and
retraining of the students who, in Erin’s absence,
erroneously considered her their buddy and not an authority figure. Erin was glad she did not shave her head. And then the school year ended
without issue, but Erin and her children were smote with a dreadful illness. And
then, while still suffering from the cold, Erin’s doctor spoke of menopause and requested an ultrasound of the female
bits. Thus Erin scheduled her probing without rejoicing. Then,
while she waited, she received a letter from EDD denying a large portion of her
disability. Erin wrote a letter of appeal and swore mightily.
And while Erin was awaiting the violating
procedure with distaste and not buying groceries, a Volvo did misjudge her
action whilst waiting to turn right on a red and bumped into the new bumper of
her favorite van. And in this, Erin was pissed
off. She yelled a foul word, unheard by her children.
The rest of this chapter is unwritten. I
hope the stupid sequence of unfortunate events end here.
I have always found
the
Book of Job odd. It’s the only one in the Bible that shows a conversation
between God and Satan – so it reads more like Hebrew mythology to me than the inspired word of God. I’ve always gotten a kick out of the pissing contest
nature of it. In line with other culture's deities, it shows how much havoc
pride can cause. I imagine the group that included it in the Bible decided it
was a good allegorical message about holding on to faith in the face of disaster. In fact, in looking for images, I found this (I edited it just a little; however, if you were going to be offended by this post, you probably are already -- so what's one swear word?).
All jesting aside, good things have happened
this year as well. Counting my blessings just wouldn’t have worked with the
theme of Job. BTW, I do know that many people have it worse than I do. I was just having some fun.
