I Brushed My Teeth, What More Do You Want?

From Hyperbole and a Half

Almost five weeks since the break. Three weeks since surgery. I am officially on disability now through mid-May and I hate it. I am a troll living in a cave. I’m going to get bed sores on my butt. My left calf is now Jello™ and even the Achilles tendon on my right foot is tight from disuse.

I got an orthotic boot the other day, but it wants my foot to be a right angle – so I’m still in the splint until the doctor can x-ray again on Tuesday. When I called the doctor’s office to ask about the angle of the boot, I made the mistake of saying a “90 degree angle.” The nurse asked me what I meant by that. I explained it was a flexed foot. She said, “Oh! You mean a right angle.” This does not inspire confidence.

Today, as I wrote about how I was doing to a friend (honestly – not just ‘fine), I realized I had hit several symptoms of depression. Me? Depressed? Nah – I’m just irritated at everyone. I mean, I would feel better if everyone just left me alone, let me sleep all the time, and stopped making me eat and groom myself.  Huh – maybe that is depression. Maybe I should change the tank top I’ve been wearing for the past few days (maternity, used to say ‘baby’ in now-missing rhinestones) and brush my teeth.

Having done that (and a little more) I still want to go to sleep. I’m convinced I’ll feel better once I’m mobile. It’s soul sucking just waiting for time to pass. And now that I’m on disability, I can’t even stress myself out with lesson plans.

All the help I’m receiving is making me crazy. Even worse – I actually do need that help. It’s painful to converse and be pleasant as someone reorganizes my pantry or my kid’s dresser. It’s the same as receiving a critique – it may be hurtful, but it was well intended and remember, every critique is a gift. Well, my family is awesome and very giving – and I want to burrow under my blankets and not speak to any one.

Speaking of critiques, I recently got feedback from YellowRose RWA’s Winter Rose for unpublished writer’s competition. Totally worth the $25.  I sent in the first 25 of Courtly Scandals and Courtly Abandon. Courtly Scandals is clean, has been queried, had interest, etc… Courtly Abandon is not even finished, really. The judges confirmed both. Scandals did very well in all, averaging 85/100. Abandon averaged 65/100 and I learned what I have learned with all my books so far – I started the story in the wrong place.

In RWA Golden Heart you get the judges final score. In Winter Rose, the judging sheet had many categories with room for feedback. They even inserted comments into the Word doc and emailed me the attachments.  It was a great experience. Of course, I have fixated on the 51/100 I received from one judge on Courtly Scandals more than the 99/100 I received from another, but when I step back I’m able to use both to make myself a better writer. (Amongst other things, the 51/100 really did not feel I fleshed out my world enough – something I either do too much or too little, so err toward the latter. I need to find a balance where descriptions do not detract from story.)

I am forcing myself to stop wallowing today. Yes, I am hiding in my room, but I have my computer and WILL NOT play any games on Facebook. I will write – maybe not anything productive, but I won’t cocoon myself with my quilt and have bad dreams about my foot. I will also wear deodorant.