tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3937582163976319064.post8181805373883598808..comments2023-09-08T09:05:26.912-07:00Comments on Erin Kane Spock: Show Me The Voice BlogfestErin Kane Spockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05376851676240606472noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3937582163976319064.post-51135576307362602822011-03-22T12:42:25.515-07:002011-03-22T12:42:25.515-07:00I do agree with the above comments about paring it...I do agree with the above comments about paring it down. Perhaps you could begin with the party and the disorientating sights and sounds for the protagonist? The atmosphere is vivid and the characters well-defined.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3937582163976319064.post-40020687201947043812011-03-21T19:41:14.035-07:002011-03-21T19:41:14.035-07:00The backstory is necessary but I don't know th...The backstory is necessary but I don't know that it should be in this part. Energy is implied here, but I don't feel that it is portrayed strongly enough.Susan Kanehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09834094675218254410noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3937582163976319064.post-29071961437646605112011-03-21T14:49:48.259-07:002011-03-21T14:49:48.259-07:00Trisha beat me to it, but I agree about this sente...Trisha beat me to it, but I agree about this sentence "Mary could not believe that she actually intended on attending...". The phrasing seems awkward.<br /><br />I'd also maybe tighten Mary's pov. Sometimes it seemed like you almost slipped into Anne's.<br /><br />But, I agree that the general voice/feel of the piece reads authentically historic. Nice job! :)Donea Leehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15393184831994368021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3937582163976319064.post-49018032429196038712011-03-21T12:35:16.094-07:002011-03-21T12:35:16.094-07:00I would pare down the 3rd paragraph. It's a li...I would pare down the 3rd paragraph. It's a little long and I don't think we need to know all of the details just yet.<br /><br />Good voice, though, and you nicely captured the historical feel of the story! :)Nicole Zoltackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07464800543376449290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3937582163976319064.post-76356758740560547342011-03-21T08:57:49.566-07:002011-03-21T08:57:49.566-07:00Interesting premise. I love your ending line in i...Interesting premise. I love your ending line in it - gives me a clear understanding that we've got one character that's an extrovert. I'd say the character gestures are a little difficult to follow, but that would be my only suggestion at this point. Good work, I'd definitely read on!Lindsay N. Curriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16347055390748782853noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3937582163976319064.post-52729332492783768712011-03-20T20:12:45.012-07:002011-03-20T20:12:45.012-07:00I like it - just a note about para 3, there is a l...I like it - just a note about para 3, there is a lot of use of the word "had". I understand a lot of it is probably necessary but maybe a few sentences could be rewritten to reduce the number?<br /><br />also, "intended on attending" - this is kind of a mouthful.<br /><br />I do think it hooks well though. I'm not sure if there's a clear character voice though.Trishahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16927558937796802496noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3937582163976319064.post-8203463988197447062011-03-20T19:06:00.947-07:002011-03-20T19:06:00.947-07:00Aside from what's already been pointed out, I ...Aside from what's already been pointed out, I had trouble envisioning this: <i>She grabbed Mary’s hands and threw herself into a reel, towing Mary with her.</i><br /><br />Otherwise, great job setting the time.Lori M. Leehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04858438789496971734noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3937582163976319064.post-72262851669981812072011-03-20T13:54:58.023-07:002011-03-20T13:54:58.023-07:00You have a good opening with a good voice that sho...You have a good opening with a good voice that shows the period it is set. <br /><br />But, I agree with Loralie that something needs to happen in the next few paragraphs (I know it's only a short passage and maybe something does).<br /><br />Thanks for sharing.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01677563505368503476noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3937582163976319064.post-45289113335930748292011-03-20T06:51:38.294-07:002011-03-20T06:51:38.294-07:00Interesting opening premise. Your voice conveys a ...Interesting opening premise. Your voice conveys a time period well, showing me up front that this is a historical piece. I love that you've got the appropriate language and costumes included. My only suggestion is if you have more movement happening in the next few paragraphs (Mary and Anne going somewhere, doing things, etc), that you mix that in more up front with the thought you've got in the third paragraph.<br /><br />Great opener ^_^Loralie Hallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07134452749240292803noreply@blogger.com